Affirmative Action

Is being attracted to stereotypes some kind of mental condition?
Or at least some sort of deeply seeded sort of emotional dysfunction?

During this journey of self-reflection, I've started noticing a pattern.

My attraction to the oddest array of stereotypes of men is more diverse than my resume.

Now, granted, (most of) these men were more than the labels I'm about to list; so don't fret, I'm not that shallow.
But let's take a look (in no particular order)...

• Hard-Core Catholic Meat-head Body Builder
• Goth / Musician
• Growling Grandaddy Cowboy
• Ebony Model
• Biker
• Frat Boy
• Trailer Park Trash
• UPS Worker
• Jock
•  Latin Emo King
• Accused Rapist? (found that one out, later)
• Teddy Bear BDSM
• Camp Counselor

Those are just the one's that immediately come to mind...That's weird, right? It's like affirmative action in my pants.

 My conclusion is that I have "Plain Jane Syndrome".

There's very little that feels exotic about me & if I had to stereotype myself the first thing that comes to mind is "girl next door"...hence the "P.J.S."

Therefore, I think I seek out men who are drastically different from me because it's thrilling.

Unfortunately, it never seems to work out. Why is that?

Opposites attract, right?

I also tend to be drawn to dudes with major issues. This (I think we've established) is because I'm a "fixer".

Sometimes I feel like I'm mentally profiling people. Is that normal??
It feels slightly psychotic, sometimes, but I can't help it.

Knowing what makes people tick, attempting to understand their childhoods, their relationships with their parents, and/or whether they'll let me in enough to hold their junk while they pee; is such a high.

Who needs therapy when you have idle time & a bottle of vodka?! 

As a side-note, I've been talking to a guy off and on the last couple weeks. Nothing serious, just casual chatting, mostly.  And mostly through text...which I am both annoyed by and equally entertained by.
It's helped curb the heavy heart & head that always seem to be lurking around every corner of this house.

I have a wonderful support group of friends, though most are in a different time zone; and calling them EVERY time I feel lonely, insecure, or just want some sort of witty exchange, feels like I'm being a burden.

I guess where I'm going with this, is that these exchanges have offered me a flirtatious break from the gloom, which I totally appreciate, for what it is. Though, our normal, fairly heavy text exchanges, were reduced to a few cryptic responses from him, today, one of which included some issue he was dealing with, with the ex & his kids.

My brain immediately went to genuine "worry" mode that some horrible car accident had happened or some other tragic event. I've checked my phone for missed texts so many times I ran the battery nearly dry & find myself  bringing my IM screen up to see if he's online...and that's where I've been for about the last 12 hours...

Now, after several cocktails, some surfing of the inter-webs, and about 3/4 of a pack of smokes; I've convinced myself that I'm not going to hear a peep from him tonight (which irrationally pisses me off), and will get some cryptic message tomorrow that he and the ex have resolved their differences, or some other sort of shit-sandwich.

Side-note of the side-note: I hate the internal battle I feel sometimes between my head and heart. The stubbornness in my head reverts to wanting to give someone the silent treatment, not send another text/email until they contact me first, etc...while my heart just wants to talk it out and extend another hand out to someone to make amends, smooth things over, and correct any misunderstandings. 



I need to make an affirmative action to get my shit together...and call Buttercup to vent.