Communication is one complex bitch.
There are obvious differences between male/female communication.
Then, there is such a difference between every single person's perceptions of
how they think they communicate versus how other people perceive their
ability to communicate.
Sometimes I feel like this is one of my life's purposes...to help others communicate better & to constantly work on my own, which is an full blown effort in and of itself.
I work with a slew of wonderful folks who are terrible communicators. If I had a nickle for every meeting or conversation I've had there, that actually had all parties openly communicating their points, listening (and I mean REALLY listening) to others input, and having a clear, concise conclusion before the end of the conversation....I'd have about ten cents.
That was just a random thought after a mentally exhausting day.
So, as a wrap-up to my last post.....
I had most certainly ratcheted myself up into a frenzy that night. Buttercup helped immensely & I love her for it. There had indeed been a family emergency of sorts with "Mac" and I ended up feeling like I'd overreacted like a crazy person, then realized that was an inappropriate analogy...
We had a nice face to face talk the following day, which I think did him more good than it did me.
Very much like MM, Mac seems to lack a thick support group of friends & family to talk to, and seems to internalize more than his fair share.
I feel a sense of duty & accomplishment by being a good friend to him in that regard. If nothing else comes of this, at least we have that.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Affirmative Action
Is being attracted to stereotypes some kind of mental condition?
Or at least some sort of deeply seeded sort of emotional dysfunction?
During this journey of self-reflection, I've started noticing a pattern.
My attraction to the oddest array of stereotypes of men is more diverse than my resume.
Now, granted, (most of) these men were more than the labels I'm about to list; so don't fret, I'm not that shallow.
But let's take a look (in no particular order)...
My conclusion is that I have "Plain Jane Syndrome".
There's very little that feels exotic about me & if I had to stereotype myself the first thing that comes to mind is "girl next door"...hence the "P.J.S."
Therefore, I think I seek out men who are drastically different from me because it's thrilling.
Unfortunately, it never seems to work out. Why is that?
Opposites attract, right?
I also tend to be drawn to dudes with major issues. This (I think we've established) is because I'm a "fixer".
Sometimes I feel like I'm mentally profiling people. Is that normal??
It feels slightly psychotic, sometimes, but I can't help it.
Knowing what makes people tick, attempting to understand their childhoods, their relationships with their parents, and/or whether they'll let me in enough to hold their junk while they pee; is such a high.
Who needs therapy when you have idle time & a bottle of vodka?!
As a side-note, I've been talking to a guy off and on the last couple weeks. Nothing serious, just casual chatting, mostly. And mostly through text...which I am both annoyed by and equally entertained by.
It's helped curb the heavy heart & head that always seem to be lurking around every corner of this house.
I have a wonderful support group of friends, though most are in a different time zone; and calling them EVERY time I feel lonely, insecure, or just want some sort of witty exchange, feels like I'm being a burden.
I guess where I'm going with this, is that these exchanges have offered me a flirtatious break from the gloom, which I totally appreciate, for what it is. Though, our normal, fairly heavy text exchanges, were reduced to a few cryptic responses from him, today, one of which included some issue he was dealing with, with the ex & his kids.
My brain immediately went to genuine "worry" mode that some horrible car accident had happened or some other tragic event. I've checked my phone for missed texts so many times I ran the battery nearly dry & find myself bringing my IM screen up to see if he's online...and that's where I've been for about the last 12 hours...
Now, after several cocktails, some surfing of the inter-webs, and about 3/4 of a pack of smokes; I've convinced myself that I'm not going to hear a peep from him tonight (which irrationally pisses me off), and will get some cryptic message tomorrow that he and the ex have resolved their differences, or some other sort of shit-sandwich.
Side-note of the side-note: I hate the internal battle I feel sometimes between my head and heart. The stubbornness in my head reverts to wanting to give someone the silent treatment, not send another text/email until they contact me first, etc...while my heart just wants to talk it out and extend another hand out to someone to make amends, smooth things over, and correct any misunderstandings.
I need to make an affirmative action to get my shit together...and call Buttercup to vent.
Or at least some sort of deeply seeded sort of emotional dysfunction?
During this journey of self-reflection, I've started noticing a pattern.
My attraction to the oddest array of stereotypes of men is more diverse than my resume.
Now, granted, (most of) these men were more than the labels I'm about to list; so don't fret, I'm not that shallow.
But let's take a look (in no particular order)...
- Hard-Core Catholic Meat-head Body Builder
- Goth / Musician
- Growling Grandaddy Cowboy
- Ebony Model
- Biker
- Frat Boy
- Trailer Park Trash
- UPS Worker
- Jock
- Latin Emo King
- Accused Rapist? (found that one out, later)
- Teddy Bear BDSM
- Camp Counselor
My conclusion is that I have "Plain Jane Syndrome".
There's very little that feels exotic about me & if I had to stereotype myself the first thing that comes to mind is "girl next door"...hence the "P.J.S."
Therefore, I think I seek out men who are drastically different from me because it's thrilling.
Unfortunately, it never seems to work out. Why is that?
Opposites attract, right?
I also tend to be drawn to dudes with major issues. This (I think we've established) is because I'm a "fixer".
Sometimes I feel like I'm mentally profiling people. Is that normal??
It feels slightly psychotic, sometimes, but I can't help it.
Knowing what makes people tick, attempting to understand their childhoods, their relationships with their parents, and/or whether they'll let me in enough to hold their junk while they pee; is such a high.
Who needs therapy when you have idle time & a bottle of vodka?!
As a side-note, I've been talking to a guy off and on the last couple weeks. Nothing serious, just casual chatting, mostly. And mostly through text...which I am both annoyed by and equally entertained by.
It's helped curb the heavy heart & head that always seem to be lurking around every corner of this house.
I have a wonderful support group of friends, though most are in a different time zone; and calling them EVERY time I feel lonely, insecure, or just want some sort of witty exchange, feels like I'm being a burden.
I guess where I'm going with this, is that these exchanges have offered me a flirtatious break from the gloom, which I totally appreciate, for what it is. Though, our normal, fairly heavy text exchanges, were reduced to a few cryptic responses from him, today, one of which included some issue he was dealing with, with the ex & his kids.
My brain immediately went to genuine "worry" mode that some horrible car accident had happened or some other tragic event. I've checked my phone for missed texts so many times I ran the battery nearly dry & find myself bringing my IM screen up to see if he's online...and that's where I've been for about the last 12 hours...
Now, after several cocktails, some surfing of the inter-webs, and about 3/4 of a pack of smokes; I've convinced myself that I'm not going to hear a peep from him tonight (which irrationally pisses me off), and will get some cryptic message tomorrow that he and the ex have resolved their differences, or some other sort of shit-sandwich.
Side-note of the side-note: I hate the internal battle I feel sometimes between my head and heart. The stubbornness in my head reverts to wanting to give someone the silent treatment, not send another text/email until they contact me first, etc...while my heart just wants to talk it out and extend another hand out to someone to make amends, smooth things over, and correct any misunderstandings.
I need to make an affirmative action to get my shit together...and call Buttercup to vent.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Mac-tastic
This text conversation just happened:
Me: "I made the mistake of looking up 'vagina' on Urban Dictionary. I'm easily entertained."
Mac: "Anything good?"
Me: "Twatlantic Ocean"
Mac: "That's the one that connects to the Red Sea once a month, right?"
I just laughed so hard I cried.
Me: "I made the mistake of looking up 'vagina' on Urban Dictionary. I'm easily entertained."
Mac: "Anything good?"
Me: "Twatlantic Ocean"
Mac: "That's the one that connects to the Red Sea once a month, right?"
I just laughed so hard I cried.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
"Buttercup"
So after an inspirational text from one of my favorite gals on the planet (who is also the health-nut I can only aspire to be-but likely fail-...let's call her "Buttercup" for now); I made a list and went grocery shopping for the first time in...3 weeks...? I don't know...
It's been awhile.
Anyway, I had a hankering for some pulled pork sandwiches; and since the crock-pot is my favorite kitchen appliance of all time, I bought a pork butt.
The dilemma, here, lies in the fact that I am a lover of leftovers; but they don't really sell single-serving pork butts at Kroger and as much as I'll eat the shit out of leftovers, I also don't want to be eating pulled pork for 8 days.
Needless to say, there's a giganto slab of pork currently slow-cooking & the folks at work are going to be my unwilling recipients, tomorrow.
If you've got excess, share it; right?
What a perplexing weekend...for now, I think that may be a conversation saved for Buttercup & I...(sigh)
I've been jamming out to some Led Zeppelin for the last hour or so, and still daydream about being 25ish in their glory days and being a 100% full-fledged-groupie. No shame in that daydream....I would have packed a bag and jumped on the groupie-train with no regrets!
Wanna get me hot? Rock some hard Jimmy Page guitar riffs & Robert Plant lyrics from your iPod & I'm there.
The funny part is I don't think anyone in the band was especially attractive, but the music speaks to me on every avenue of my being.
Can you tell?
Ugh. Now I'm just rambling...
I do that. Deal with it.
This post may quite honestly be the most pointless of any I've ever written. I just wanted to write.
Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I love you all. (even if "all" only consists of Buttercup) <3
It's been awhile.
Anyway, I had a hankering for some pulled pork sandwiches; and since the crock-pot is my favorite kitchen appliance of all time, I bought a pork butt.
The dilemma, here, lies in the fact that I am a lover of leftovers; but they don't really sell single-serving pork butts at Kroger and as much as I'll eat the shit out of leftovers, I also don't want to be eating pulled pork for 8 days.
Needless to say, there's a giganto slab of pork currently slow-cooking & the folks at work are going to be my unwilling recipients, tomorrow.
If you've got excess, share it; right?
What a perplexing weekend...for now, I think that may be a conversation saved for Buttercup & I...(sigh)
I've been jamming out to some Led Zeppelin for the last hour or so, and still daydream about being 25ish in their glory days and being a 100% full-fledged-groupie. No shame in that daydream....I would have packed a bag and jumped on the groupie-train with no regrets!
Wanna get me hot? Rock some hard Jimmy Page guitar riffs & Robert Plant lyrics from your iPod & I'm there.
The funny part is I don't think anyone in the band was especially attractive, but the music speaks to me on every avenue of my being.
Can you tell?
Ugh. Now I'm just rambling...
I do that. Deal with it.
This post may quite honestly be the most pointless of any I've ever written. I just wanted to write.
Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I love you all. (even if "all" only consists of Buttercup) <3
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Boogie Nights
It's amazing how drastically your eating habits change, when you're single.
I definitely had twizzlers, banana walnut bread, and a vodka tonic for dinner last night.
In an attempt to get back on track with the healthy eating resolution, I've thrown together some turkey chili tonight, which is currently simmering into a soupy goodness downstairs, as we speak.
The bonus? It's LOADED with peppers. Getting to load meals with foods that your former significant other disliked, is somehow gratifying.
Though, I do find guilt lurking around the corner by making the whole house smell like delicious food; and sadness right on it's heels when I realize I'll be enjoying it alone.
On a lighter note, this weekend held a flurry of interesting activity!
I met up w/ an old friend of mine on Friday night, who was in town visiting from Detroit. She's a friend that I met originally through MM (actually, an old fling of his) who I've come to adore. She's happily married now, but vows to join my late-life-lesbian-farm commune if things don't pan out. Over a flood of cocktails, we agreed the farm may end up heavy on babies & dogs, but we'd find some way to balance it out.
Saturday evening I attended a big fundraiser (the "Boogie") with some co-workers for the Red Cross & a local, independent restaurant association. It's loaded with free wine, beer, food, & a band; amongst all of the other fundraising . Oh! And it's Mardi Gras/Swamp Chic themed, so the array of costumes/outfits is always a hoot.
I dusted off my old sequined & fringed flapper dress, a feather boa, and went out for round #2.
The fundraiser was fun (w/ my AA devout boss in attendance, things didn't get too crazy)...
I ended the night dancing barefoot for hours at the newest gay bar called "The Backdoor" with a co-worker and a random friend of another co-worker, who at some point in the night informed me that he'd had to have ball-reduction surgery...
I told him I'd take his word for it & went back to dancing w/ the gang of queens that had accumulated around me.
In addition to that oddity, I ran into a local businessman I've met several times through Chamber of Commerce events & his wife; who persistently tried to get me to come back to their house for drinks. Being that it was past 3am, everyone was already lit, & I'd just ran into them at a gay bar; I sensed they were looking for more than just some after-party drinks, said my goodbyes, and jumped in a cab home.
My liver hates me.
I definitely had twizzlers, banana walnut bread, and a vodka tonic for dinner last night.
In an attempt to get back on track with the healthy eating resolution, I've thrown together some turkey chili tonight, which is currently simmering into a soupy goodness downstairs, as we speak.
The bonus? It's LOADED with peppers. Getting to load meals with foods that your former significant other disliked, is somehow gratifying.
Though, I do find guilt lurking around the corner by making the whole house smell like delicious food; and sadness right on it's heels when I realize I'll be enjoying it alone.
On a lighter note, this weekend held a flurry of interesting activity!
I met up w/ an old friend of mine on Friday night, who was in town visiting from Detroit. She's a friend that I met originally through MM (actually, an old fling of his) who I've come to adore. She's happily married now, but vows to join my late-life-lesbian-farm commune if things don't pan out. Over a flood of cocktails, we agreed the farm may end up heavy on babies & dogs, but we'd find some way to balance it out.
Saturday evening I attended a big fundraiser (the "Boogie") with some co-workers for the Red Cross & a local, independent restaurant association. It's loaded with free wine, beer, food, & a band; amongst all of the other fundraising . Oh! And it's Mardi Gras/Swamp Chic themed, so the array of costumes/outfits is always a hoot.
I dusted off my old sequined & fringed flapper dress, a feather boa, and went out for round #2.
The fundraiser was fun (w/ my AA devout boss in attendance, things didn't get too crazy)...
I ended the night dancing barefoot for hours at the newest gay bar called "The Backdoor" with a co-worker and a random friend of another co-worker, who at some point in the night informed me that he'd had to have ball-reduction surgery...
I told him I'd take his word for it & went back to dancing w/ the gang of queens that had accumulated around me.
In addition to that oddity, I ran into a local businessman I've met several times through Chamber of Commerce events & his wife; who persistently tried to get me to come back to their house for drinks. Being that it was past 3am, everyone was already lit, & I'd just ran into them at a gay bar; I sensed they were looking for more than just some after-party drinks, said my goodbyes, and jumped in a cab home.
My liver hates me.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Post V-Day
(sigh) Is it possible that the day AFTER Valentine's day has actually been worse than the actual holiday?!
I feel like I have an emotional hangover from just keeping the mask up all day.
There's only 2 people at work that know about the break-up right now & I'm trying to keep it that way.
So, naturally, EVERYONE who thinks MM & I are still together managed to ask me things like "Soooo, what are YOUR big plans for tonight"...all day long.
The ironic thing was that I could answer them all honestly by saying things like "It won't be much different than year's past" (MM=not a guy to go out of his way to do anything romantic) or simply say "Painting."
Oh, yeah, it's been several weeks since my last post; and in that vast amount of time I've began finally painting the walls of the house...a year and a half later. It's one more of those annoying to-do-itches at that back of my brain, that I'm trying to scratch (sort of like the thresholds). Additionally, It's keeping me busy during a time I value the distraction the most.
I'll post pictures, soon.
In the last few weeks, I've honestly been doing ok.
Not great, but simply ok; which is vast improvement than the entire month of January.
I've mostly finished re-arranging furniture to fill the voids, and found a fantastic solid wood desk & old steamer trunk on Craigslist (both steals at $50 & $30 respectively)...because, when I'm sad, impulse bargain-buying always seems to make me feel better.
I've had alittle more time & composure to talk to a few more friends on the phone, recently. I know everyone is curious or concerned, but after awhile I start feeling like a broken record. I had one much-needed conversation not as much about the break-up but just good ol' catching up on life and ended that call feeling refreshed, invigorated, and reassured that there's someone out there who surfs on my same wavelength.
My mom was down all last weekend, to celebrate her Birthday.
She also needed to come down to see me & confirm that everything was ok. She didn't say that, but I know how her head works & her excessive worrying. I think we both needed that confirmation.
It was a relaxing weekend of long chats, some thrift shopping, eating lots of Chipotle (one of her favorite places!) and me getting her addicted to watching "Sons of Anarchy" on Netflix.
She's managed to call me EVERY SINGLE DAY this week, to give me an update on her progress through the series. She's hooked.
I realized last night, that being single again after so long, being emotionally vulnerable, and hungry for affection leaves me in an exposed position that seems so foreign & scary to me. Since I'm not dating anyone, I had no flower delivery surprises, dinner reservations, or even someone to just give me a hug; I put my emotional eggs into one basket last night waiting on a text/phone call from another solo friend, that never came.
The kicker is I can't figure out if it was just carelessness, intentional, etc.
I just hate that the funky head-space it put me in, carried through into some super bizarre dreams, & a cloudy mood today...hence the hangover feeling.
Ugh. Lame.
Thank christ it's Friday, and there's events planned for this weekend that involve good friends & lots of cocktails.
I feel like I have an emotional hangover from just keeping the mask up all day.
There's only 2 people at work that know about the break-up right now & I'm trying to keep it that way.
So, naturally, EVERYONE who thinks MM & I are still together managed to ask me things like "Soooo, what are YOUR big plans for tonight"...all day long.
The ironic thing was that I could answer them all honestly by saying things like "It won't be much different than year's past" (MM=not a guy to go out of his way to do anything romantic) or simply say "Painting."
Oh, yeah, it's been several weeks since my last post; and in that vast amount of time I've began finally painting the walls of the house...a year and a half later. It's one more of those annoying to-do-itches at that back of my brain, that I'm trying to scratch (sort of like the thresholds). Additionally, It's keeping me busy during a time I value the distraction the most.
I'll post pictures, soon.
In the last few weeks, I've honestly been doing ok.
Not great, but simply ok; which is vast improvement than the entire month of January.
I've mostly finished re-arranging furniture to fill the voids, and found a fantastic solid wood desk & old steamer trunk on Craigslist (both steals at $50 & $30 respectively)...because, when I'm sad, impulse bargain-buying always seems to make me feel better.
I've had alittle more time & composure to talk to a few more friends on the phone, recently. I know everyone is curious or concerned, but after awhile I start feeling like a broken record. I had one much-needed conversation not as much about the break-up but just good ol' catching up on life and ended that call feeling refreshed, invigorated, and reassured that there's someone out there who surfs on my same wavelength.
My mom was down all last weekend, to celebrate her Birthday.
She also needed to come down to see me & confirm that everything was ok. She didn't say that, but I know how her head works & her excessive worrying. I think we both needed that confirmation.
It was a relaxing weekend of long chats, some thrift shopping, eating lots of Chipotle (one of her favorite places!) and me getting her addicted to watching "Sons of Anarchy" on Netflix.
She's managed to call me EVERY SINGLE DAY this week, to give me an update on her progress through the series. She's hooked.
I realized last night, that being single again after so long, being emotionally vulnerable, and hungry for affection leaves me in an exposed position that seems so foreign & scary to me. Since I'm not dating anyone, I had no flower delivery surprises, dinner reservations, or even someone to just give me a hug; I put my emotional eggs into one basket last night waiting on a text/phone call from another solo friend, that never came.
The kicker is I can't figure out if it was just carelessness, intentional, etc.
I just hate that the funky head-space it put me in, carried through into some super bizarre dreams, & a cloudy mood today...hence the hangover feeling.
Ugh. Lame.
Thank christ it's Friday, and there's events planned for this weekend that involve good friends & lots of cocktails.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)