MLK Break-Up

My desire to share only the fun, upbeat aspects of my life, in hopes that others can share their experiences in return, offer guidance in response to some of my "life by trial and error" type of posts, and with the mindset that those readers wouldn't follow this blog to read gloomy posts; is beginning to loose out to my need to simply get my thoughts out into this universe. This isn't a drastic change of tone for my audience...since I really have no "audience".

This is me. Truly me. No Gemini Gypsy facade, tonight.

My name is Casey and I am ending a decade-long relationship with someone I care for more than any words typed, written, spoken, or carved in stone; could possibly express.

I'm crying because I'm sad and equally scared.

Sad, because I see the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me. His inability to understand why I don't/can't try to "work this out" shatters me.

Scared, because I've never faced this world truly alone. I know, I know; I'm not alone if I take into consideration the love and support of my family & friends (most of whom don't even know any of this is happening) But truly alone, in the sense that my "life partner", the man who's had my back and loved me unconditionally for 10 years; will probably soon, come to a point where he detests me for the pain I've caused him. Co-dependency is a bitch.

Why, you may ask? I'm trying to prepare myself an abridged version of this answer, and have yet to come up with anything that truly encompasses my reasons. The lamest version I've conjured is "I need space to find 'me'". It seems lame to say it and hear it; but I feel it.

Break-ups are rarely "easy", but easier to justify in my mind, if there is that one BIG event/issue that is the catalyst.  This one feels like a bag of grapes. Lots of my little doubts, emotions, feelings, etc. that are explosive at the slightest pinch, yet were left ignored by me & unattended by him; for so long that they spoiled.

I dread the moment that he changes his status on Facebook....(sigh) That seems ridiculous to say, too; but maybe it's because I've never experienced a break-up in the 'social media age'. Will it post to his timeline "Broke Up With By The Selfish Bitch" with a link to my wall? I have anxiety about tons of people asking "OMG, what happened?!" more out of nosy gossip, than out of true concern.

I had moment of clarity, when my co-worker was upset & crying about a fight she'd had with her husband, that they hadn't been able to talk out yet. The details seemed so familiar to me, because I'd lived them. I think many of us have. The only key piece of advice I had to offer her was to not allow his silence to become her silence. Be sure to talk it out.
MM & I had a big hiccup in our relationship about 5 years ago & after that we agreed not to fight all the time, like we used to. Somehow this morphed into not fighting at all, which turned into not having those intimate relationship talks that are necessary to ensure you are aware of your partner and the state of your relationship with that person.

It had been nearly two years since our last deep heart-to-heart conversation. I'd been trying to sort out my thoughts/feelings for months. Wondering if my surges of panic & sadness about the state of our relationship were directly related to the surges of hormones with my cycle. Was I being deceived about the state of my life, by the very innards that create life? Was it just my biological clock making me feel like a lunatic? I battled with this for a looong time. Finally, I came to the conclusion that these feelings were definitely amplified , but not imagined.  Those doubts existed, I'd just done a stellar job of tying a bolder to their ankle and kicking them into the river; in an effort to keep the day-to-day surface of the water calm & peaceful.
About a week or so before Christmas, I spewed my plume of doubts/concerns, like Mt. Vesuvius. I explained many of my tangible reasons I thought we weren't working (this is a long list of grapes) which summarized, amounted to the fact that I didn't see our "end game"  or our "happily ever after". Our life-goals don't sync up. Or rather, my life goals don't sync with his lack of them & those I perceive him having. The fact that we're in this relationship, yet there's so much of my life that I'm alone. I envision my happily ever after with someone who wants to share in the joys of having a family with me and a home/farm with me, and REALLY participating in those things because they want them, too. I can think of one time in the last year and half that he's visited my family, with me. Our communication, as partners, is epically terrible. There's other stuff, too, but you get the idea. This is when I said the words..."I love you, but I don't think I'm IN love with you anymore."

I think I'd made up my mind by that point that I needed space to re-evaluate my life, but that was not a decision to take lightly. For the sake of both of our hearts.


I left a couple days later to spend the week of Christmas with my mom & the rest of the family. The snow-storm of the year decided to roll in the day after Christmas, so my friend Greta and I headed back south Christmas night. That was the night of what I'll call "Phase II". This was the conversation that consisted mostly of Tyler's responses to my concerns. Reassurances that there was a happily ever after. I agreed to consider these things, and see where alittle time got us.


The following/last month has been filled with emotional peaks and valleys for me. I've made efforts to work on my resolutions. To find joy & happiness in new experiences, in effort to repair things within me that feel broken. Hoping desperately, that would transcend into a new-found  outlook on our relationship.
On the other hand, I know he's been miserable. He makes efforts to show me affection, tells me he loves me; things I find myself teetering on the verge of caving into because I do love him & I desperately crave some sort of affection; but feel like responding to that would only be temporary gratification. Not a solution to the bigger problem.


Today, I took a partial vacation day & just spent the day by myself. I camped at Starbucks for awhile, shopped for a new pair of tennis shoes, and went to go see 'Silver Linings' at the theater. I realized I didn't want to be at home because he had the day off from school for MLK day; and I was avoiding the situation. Tonight, he told me he can't live like this anymore. We either need to make efforts to work on repairing "us" or call it quits. It has been like living in an awkward limbo, the last month. I've felt frozen with fear & doubt; while still trying to iron out the best method of action & least pain for both of us. All the while, creating more devastation. I ripped the band-aide the rest of the way off tonight, and told him I thought I should move out, then. After several long pauses & painful exchanges of glances, he said he would be the one to move because of the financial aspect of things.

I think my head is going to explode. Ibuprofen has done little to cure the splitting headache and flood of thoughts behind my eyes.

The weirdest thing, was that with all of the emotion of tonight, I didn't cry. All of this has left me feeling so emotionally drained and calloused, that it wasn't until hours afterward that the waterworks started. Maybe the realization and fear took over.

He's downstairs, clearly not wanting to be around me; and I'm upstairs sitting in the dark, emotions somewhat composed on the exterior, typing this tale of woe as a way to just get some of this shit OUT of my head.

In a moment of uncanny, yet cosmic timing; a dear friend from LA just sent a text that said "I miss you".
So much for the exterior composition...I miss you, too.