The "Move".

I was prepared for this to get worse, before it gets better.
At least as prepared as you can try to be.

I had my annual performance review on Wednesday, for work. My direct supervisor, Beth, and I have an uncanny amount of things in common. We operate well on a professional level, but occasionally when we're alone in the office we've had long talks about life, relationships, children, etc. She's the one I referred to in my previous post, who broke down to me one day after having the unresolved fight with her husband. To make matters even more eerie, she has 2 children from her first marriage, a relationship very much like the one that MM and I had, and which ended very much like this one is now.
Beth and I had decided to go out to lunch that day to get some food and conduct my performance review. On the way to the restaurant, she asked about MM and I lost it.
I'd previously considered giving her a heads-up to the situation, simply in case transportation to work became an issue; but what came out was an eruption of most everything that's happened, my struggle with the overwhelming guilt for all the destruction I'm causing, and alot of tears. Needless to say, once that faucet was turned on it was hard to turn off. It's nice having someone to talk to that can relate, but at the same time fighting to keep my composure in a professional atmosphere. We made it through the review which was glowing with praise (except for my internet usage) & resulted in me getting a raise, becoming a salaried employee, but still not being added to the "management team". I'm not going to waste time describing that dynamic; but ultimately being on the team is something I really wanted & with emotions already out of control, managed to cry during most of our conversation. My confidence in all things is shaken, and that felt like the rejection-cherry on top of my shit-sundae.

Yesterday was Friday. I had a "Payroll Law 2013" seminar to attend here in town, for work; and MM doesn't have class on Fridays, so he was going to be moving all of his stuff into the studio, which is a fairly large room at the back of the house, with it's own entrance, that prior to this was already packed to the gills with musical equipment.

This decision happened on Tuesday or Wednesday night. I can't remember. The days seem to be melting together into one huge blob of terrible, lately.

Ultimately, with him going to school full-time, and working part-time for RTVS; he doesn't have the money to move into somewhere new right now. Additionally, there are still ALOT of financial ties we have to work out such as cell phones being on a family plan, shared car insurance, me still not having a car for my own transportation to and from work, our lease, etc...

I feel like I'm in a delicate balancing act of trying to make this as smooth of transition as possible, trying to work with him emotionally & financially until he can get on his feet, & falling back into my old habits of being an enabler and codling him.

I know in the scheme of things, it's better off we were never married. Much less cost, pain, and legal bullshit to deal with. If I wasn't already turned off by the idea of marriage before, I think I certainly am now.

What conversations we've had over the last few days have been whispered sentences & words choked on by tears.

I wish I could find the words to describe MM as the man I know. Most people see his strong, hard exterior, but miss alot of the complexities & tenderness I've worked so hard to burrow into for the last decade. Witnessing his unraveling and knowing it's at my own doing is a heavy guilt to carry.

I still haven't talked about this to any of our friends, but I wish he would. He needs to reach out to the people who love him and can offer him support, but I'm conflicted as to whether it's my job, yet, to alert them to the fact. He has very "surface" type relationships with alot of people & even most of his family, and it worries me that he will continue to shut them out during this time when he needs them most, whether he knows it or not.

By the time he had to pick me up from the seminar, yesterday, he'd moved the majority of his stuff into the studio. Here's a hint to anyone not having experienced a break-up-move-out like this; steer clear of the house, until they're done. Most of my life has been documented through photography, so it only seemed fitting to document this moment, where vacancies now existed & ghosts of belongings seem to linger...

What was the first thing I found to busy myself, while he collected and organized what's left of his life? I stained and varnished wood.

Thinking back about that moment, I realize I have strange coping mechanisms.

To explain, (the wood, not my mechanisms) some previous tenant of this house had a dog that they would shut into rooms of the house. In an effort to get out, the dog dug at the carpet at the bottom of the door, shredding those areas of the two upstairs bedroom's carpet. Our original landlord, being the piece of shit that she was, put over-sized pieces of raw wood over the frayed carpet, that act as huge thresholds; instead of just replacing the carpet. We rented the house sight-unseen when we moved from CA, so it was just one of the quirks we dealt with. The problem was that because the wood was unfinished, years of foot traffic over those pieces of wood had left them disgustingly dingy & a previous tenant's kid had drawn on them w/ sharpie in a few places. It's always been alittle nagging "to-do" in the back of my brain, and apparently, yesterday, when I was unsure what to do with myself and the state of disarray in the house; that was one thing I could control & fix when all else seemed broken. So, I went to work sanding, staining, and varnishing the monster thresholds.


With that item checked off my list I dusted, vacuumed, and got to work organizing & re-arranging things in an effort to fill the voids.

At one point, once I heard the rustling downstairs drawing to a close, I wandered down to check on him. I'm unclear if my presence & efforts to make this a functional roommate situation are doing more harm than good.

At one point, he sat on his end table and cried.

He said he didn't know whether to mad or sad. That he didn't know what he was going to do. That all he wanted to do was "fix this" (us). That all he had in the world was crammed into this room. That he found a futon mattress on CL that he was going to look at in an hour. That he had 5 assignments due on Monday that he couldn't even focus on starting. And that he didn't even have a place to hang his clothes.

These things were all expressed over the span of long pauses, many cigarettes, and alot of tears.

Should I have fought my natural instinct to hug him and tell him everything would be ok? I didn't. I couldn't.

I told him to go look at the futon; and while he did that, I cleaned out the coat closet under the stairs, did some much needed spackling to a truly ghetto drywall fix (another preexisting flaw from when we moved in) at the back of the closet, and vacuumed.  I closed the night by throwing together vat of chicken and noodles that we could both eat on. It has been a week of restless sleep & little appetites for both of us; and after the physical exhaustion of the in-house migration of belongings, I figured we could both use a hearty meal. I ate mine upstairs, alone & dozed off soon afterward.

Yesterday was so long and exhausting, I actually woke up today and thought it was Sunday, because it felt like I'd crammed a weekend of work into one day.

I still have the craft room and the bar area to clean/organize, but most things are in order upstairs.

Along the same lines as my above-mentioned mechanisms, is my intense focus on getting the tangible things in order first, knowing my emotional/mental closet is ready to dump on my head the moment I open the door. I recognize this is my way of dealing with things. Compartmentalize & break things down into tasks that can be accomplished by means of working toward the bigger goal.

One of the big ticket items is still finding & purchasing a vehicle. I am/was of the mindset that this may very well be a vehicle that I'll be paying on for years to come, so I've focused my energies on pricing out a crew cab truck. I mechanic-minded friend of mine is advising me to go with a Toyota Tacoma-type due to their reliability and longevity. Decent gas mileage, ability to haul shit, and safe space to hopefully one day put a child's car seat; are factoring into my search criteria.


I just took a break from writing to check out the Habitat ReStore for a desk (I agreed to give MM the desk & desktop PC, which he moved into the studio, last night) and on my way back, stopped at the bank to inquire about my chances/options for a car loan. Being very frank about my frightful credit history & my need to address past debts, they admitted that my chances for getting an outright loan were non-existent, and chances of getting what they call a secured loan (pulling funds from my life insurance policy to put into a savings account, to borrow against in an effort to better my credit) were slim-to-none.

It's looking like my only option now is to pull directly from the life insurance policy, the money I need for a vehicle; and start contacting my creditors (also deeply buried in that closet of denial) to start making payment arrangements to get things in order and paid off...(sigh)

MM & I still need to sit down and break down finances, figuring out who's going to pay what to whom, monthly. I'm dreading this, but know it needs to happen in order for me to visually be able to make and visualize MY finances.

I desperately want to start painting the walls. Literally. Something about a fresh coat of paint signifies a fresh start, a new outlook, and an good makeover for the current scuffed, nicked, matte/glossy mixture of beige that have lived on these walls since we moved in.

For now, I see the stacks of totes and other clutter looming at me from the craft room. This is where I deposited most of the shit from the closet last night, which only added to the mess that was already there.

For now, this is something I can fix & feel a sense of accomplishment when I'm done.

For now, I need to give MM his space downstairs to get himself in order.

For now, I will remind myself it will get worse before it gets better; and to be strong.

Things will be ok.
 

MLK Break-Up

My desire to share only the fun, upbeat aspects of my life, in hopes that others can share their experiences in return, offer guidance in response to some of my "life by trial and error" type of posts, and with the mindset that those readers wouldn't follow this blog to read gloomy posts; is beginning to loose out to my need to simply get my thoughts out into this universe. This isn't a drastic change of tone for my audience...since I really have no "audience".

This is me. Truly me. No Gemini Gypsy facade, tonight.

My name is Casey and I am ending a decade-long relationship with someone I care for more than any words typed, written, spoken, or carved in stone; could possibly express.

I'm crying because I'm sad and equally scared.

Sad, because I see the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me. His inability to understand why I don't/can't try to "work this out" shatters me.

Scared, because I've never faced this world truly alone. I know, I know; I'm not alone if I take into consideration the love and support of my family & friends (most of whom don't even know any of this is happening) But truly alone, in the sense that my "life partner", the man who's had my back and loved me unconditionally for 10 years; will probably soon, come to a point where he detests me for the pain I've caused him. Co-dependency is a bitch.

Why, you may ask? I'm trying to prepare myself an abridged version of this answer, and have yet to come up with anything that truly encompasses my reasons. The lamest version I've conjured is "I need space to find 'me'". It seems lame to say it and hear it; but I feel it.

Break-ups are rarely "easy", but easier to justify in my mind, if there is that one BIG event/issue that is the catalyst.  This one feels like a bag of grapes. Lots of my little doubts, emotions, feelings, etc. that are explosive at the slightest pinch, yet were left ignored by me & unattended by him; for so long that they spoiled.

I dread the moment that he changes his status on Facebook....(sigh) That seems ridiculous to say, too; but maybe it's because I've never experienced a break-up in the 'social media age'. Will it post to his timeline "Broke Up With By The Selfish Bitch" with a link to my wall? I have anxiety about tons of people asking "OMG, what happened?!" more out of nosy gossip, than out of true concern.

I had moment of clarity, when my co-worker was upset & crying about a fight she'd had with her husband, that they hadn't been able to talk out yet. The details seemed so familiar to me, because I'd lived them. I think many of us have. The only key piece of advice I had to offer her was to not allow his silence to become her silence. Be sure to talk it out.
MM & I had a big hiccup in our relationship about 5 years ago & after that we agreed not to fight all the time, like we used to. Somehow this morphed into not fighting at all, which turned into not having those intimate relationship talks that are necessary to ensure you are aware of your partner and the state of your relationship with that person.

It had been nearly two years since our last deep heart-to-heart conversation. I'd been trying to sort out my thoughts/feelings for months. Wondering if my surges of panic & sadness about the state of our relationship were directly related to the surges of hormones with my cycle. Was I being deceived about the state of my life, by the very innards that create life? Was it just my biological clock making me feel like a lunatic? I battled with this for a looong time. Finally, I came to the conclusion that these feelings were definitely amplified , but not imagined.  Those doubts existed, I'd just done a stellar job of tying a bolder to their ankle and kicking them into the river; in an effort to keep the day-to-day surface of the water calm & peaceful.
About a week or so before Christmas, I spewed my plume of doubts/concerns, like Mt. Vesuvius. I explained many of my tangible reasons I thought we weren't working (this is a long list of grapes) which summarized, amounted to the fact that I didn't see our "end game"  or our "happily ever after". Our life-goals don't sync up. Or rather, my life goals don't sync with his lack of them & those I perceive him having. The fact that we're in this relationship, yet there's so much of my life that I'm alone. I envision my happily ever after with someone who wants to share in the joys of having a family with me and a home/farm with me, and REALLY participating in those things because they want them, too. I can think of one time in the last year and half that he's visited my family, with me. Our communication, as partners, is epically terrible. There's other stuff, too, but you get the idea. This is when I said the words..."I love you, but I don't think I'm IN love with you anymore."

I think I'd made up my mind by that point that I needed space to re-evaluate my life, but that was not a decision to take lightly. For the sake of both of our hearts.


I left a couple days later to spend the week of Christmas with my mom & the rest of the family. The snow-storm of the year decided to roll in the day after Christmas, so my friend Greta and I headed back south Christmas night. That was the night of what I'll call "Phase II". This was the conversation that consisted mostly of Tyler's responses to my concerns. Reassurances that there was a happily ever after. I agreed to consider these things, and see where alittle time got us.


The following/last month has been filled with emotional peaks and valleys for me. I've made efforts to work on my resolutions. To find joy & happiness in new experiences, in effort to repair things within me that feel broken. Hoping desperately, that would transcend into a new-found  outlook on our relationship.
On the other hand, I know he's been miserable. He makes efforts to show me affection, tells me he loves me; things I find myself teetering on the verge of caving into because I do love him & I desperately crave some sort of affection; but feel like responding to that would only be temporary gratification. Not a solution to the bigger problem.


Today, I took a partial vacation day & just spent the day by myself. I camped at Starbucks for awhile, shopped for a new pair of tennis shoes, and went to go see 'Silver Linings' at the theater. I realized I didn't want to be at home because he had the day off from school for MLK day; and I was avoiding the situation. Tonight, he told me he can't live like this anymore. We either need to make efforts to work on repairing "us" or call it quits. It has been like living in an awkward limbo, the last month. I've felt frozen with fear & doubt; while still trying to iron out the best method of action & least pain for both of us. All the while, creating more devastation. I ripped the band-aide the rest of the way off tonight, and told him I thought I should move out, then. After several long pauses & painful exchanges of glances, he said he would be the one to move because of the financial aspect of things.

I think my head is going to explode. Ibuprofen has done little to cure the splitting headache and flood of thoughts behind my eyes.

The weirdest thing, was that with all of the emotion of tonight, I didn't cry. All of this has left me feeling so emotionally drained and calloused, that it wasn't until hours afterward that the waterworks started. Maybe the realization and fear took over.

He's downstairs, clearly not wanting to be around me; and I'm upstairs sitting in the dark, emotions somewhat composed on the exterior, typing this tale of woe as a way to just get some of this shit OUT of my head.

In a moment of uncanny, yet cosmic timing; a dear friend from LA just sent a text that said "I miss you".
So much for the exterior composition...I miss you, too.

Lucky '13

We're 2 weeks into our new year, so it seemed fitting to finally put my growing list of new year resolutions into print.

That seems to make them more concrete, doesn't it?

These are in no particular order of importance & some of them intermingle with others, so try to follow me, if you can...Let's get started!

1. Get in shape - This is a cliche resolution. I get it. But it's a goal & I've got to start somewhere. Let me just say to the 99% of people who would look at me & roll their eyes, that lucking out with good genes (though, I appreciate being thin); does not translate into good health & muscle tone. The home work-outs are going ok, but I need to make them a daily routine. Currently, I'm only averaging about 1x a week.

2. Volunteer - Last year, was a good start to this goal. I signed up for several volunteer opportunities through Parks & Rec, stage managed one of the venues for the Lotus World Music Festival, & began helping a small group of folks set up a non-profit organization to provide therapeutic arts programs to disadvantaged youth & eventually the mentally ill. My goal is to keep up this level of volunteer work throughout the year, this year. The non-profit is taking alot of my volunterring-focus as of late, so hopefully once that gets off the ground I won't be as tied up with the administrative side of things, and have more time to focus on the hands-on stuff.

3. Try new things - Broad category, huh? It's intentional. My first endeavor for 2013 was to sign up for an aerial silks class at a local rec center. My class was last Friday & I liked it so much I bought 6 more classes!
Not only does this particular activity serve this resolution in a broad sense; it's also a creative, social, and physical outlet for me.

4. Buy a vehicle of my own - I listed this in one of my previous entries & intend on accomplishing it this year. I've taken the initial steps necessary to make this happen. I've opened my own bank account (for the first time in 10 years) and set up my direct deposit to automatically deposit a nice chunk from each paycheck into the account. Ideally, I'd like to buy a truck, though not always the most gas-efficient (which is important to me), but I still have hopes of buying the "Shively Homestead" sooner rather than later, and figure I might as well purchase a truck that will be able to serve me for years to come.

5. Truly focus on me - I've been in that same "weird head-space" I mentioned a few posts back, for several months now. Without going into painstaking detail here (mainly, because I'm not ready to divulge details on here, yet) it has alot to do with internal & personal conflicts. Things I want for my future/myself that are in direct conflict with where I am at 31 years old. Taking steps to rectify some of those things have been heart-wrenching and are (realistically) going to get worse before they get better. Keeping my focus and not getting derailed with emotion, is what I'm working on.

6. Fight mediocrity - There is a certain comfort in routine, but don't get swallowed by it.

7. Go to the dentist - because I need to go.

8. Go to the crotch doctor - I'm slightly overdue for a check-up and need to get off my ass/pussy and make an appointment for that, too. 

9.  Go to the dog doctor - While I'm on this train of thought, I really need to take Trixy for a check-up, too. Lucky gal, Vet's are the all-in-one variety...

10. Guns - It's a real hot topic lately, huh? Well, that's not why. This has been on my to-do list for YEARS & I have yet to do it. I say "guns" because this topic encompasses proper gun-safety training & eventually target practice. My goal is to know about them, understand them, and conquer the anxiety I feel about them.

11. Research, Research, Research - Read everything I can get my hands on about the homesteading skills I hope to one day put into practice. Also, make better practice of documenting my methods, trials, & errors.

....this list is still a work in progress, so I'll leave off here, for now, and post any updates as they come available!

Wanna share your resolutions? I'd love to hear them!