Today I am "prone".
In all aspects of my being.
I know it's healthy to have a good cry, now and again; but today I feel overwhelmingly weak & vulnerable.
Self-doubt floods my every thought, which only perpetuates my inner voice telling me to "get it together".
For now, I'm choosing to ignore that voice, and just submit.
For today.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Green Room Glory & Misc. Ramblings
Today, I realized that one of the things I long for most, right now, are TRUE human connections.
So many of our day-to-day interactions with people are surface relationships, which I suck terribly at.
It's that whole "wearing my heart on my sleeve" problem.
I guess I just miss having true friends in close proximity. My efforts to reach out to people here have been mediocre.
I have a hard time understanding how, in a city as large and "surface" as Los Angeles, I could connect with so many wonderful people; yet here it seems so difficult.
On a MUCH happier note: I purchased my very first vehicle, with my own money, that is solely MINE! Without going into a drawn-out tale of how uncomfortable the last couple months have been sharing MM's car has been; all I can say is this is a huge step in the right direction for me.
Isn't she pretty?! I'm currently calling her "Petunia Pumpernickle". I love her.
Here are two of my newest collages, I completed days after getting the room completed...
Me: March 9, 2013 10:41am
"Glad you have that part over with & everything went ok. The dentures usually take alot of adjusting to get just right.
So many of our day-to-day interactions with people are surface relationships, which I suck terribly at.
It's that whole "wearing my heart on my sleeve" problem.
I guess I just miss having true friends in close proximity. My efforts to reach out to people here have been mediocre.
I have a hard time understanding how, in a city as large and "surface" as Los Angeles, I could connect with so many wonderful people; yet here it seems so difficult.
On a MUCH happier note: I purchased my very first vehicle, with my own money, that is solely MINE! Without going into a drawn-out tale of how uncomfortable the last couple months have been sharing MM's car has been; all I can say is this is a huge step in the right direction for me.
There is also light at the end of the endless-painting-the-house-tunnel. I can't complain, as it kept me occupied over the last few months, and it's made this rental house feel more like home as I've personalized rooms more with color & some new furnishings. Though, the disorder of trying to paint while moving piles of crap from one room to another, nearly drove me crazy!
One room I'm happiest about is the craft room! It is vibrant green and my place for inspiration....
Here are two of my newest collages, I completed days after getting the room completed...
"Something to be Desired"
"Self Reflections"
I also managed to complete my first knitting project! I'd promised a gal-pal a scarf for her birthday over a year ago, and due to Hobby Lobby being a bastard and discontinuing the yarn I'd started the first scarf with, and my general crafting-A.D.D.; here's the finished product that I mailed to her a few weeks ago:
On a totally separate note, let me share a FB conversation I had with my dad recently, regarding another sister I have that was conceived during a time that he and his wife were temporarily separated, that I know very little about... (note the dates of the messages)
Me: September 12, 2012 7:26pm
"I've been thinking more about this other sister, lately, and (thanks to FB) can at least see what she looks like w/o being intrusive.
What's her name?
Do (insert names of other sisters) know about her? (I can't remember)"
"I've been thinking more about this other sister, lately, and (thanks to FB) can at least see what she looks like w/o being intrusive.
What's her name?
Do (insert names of other sisters) know about her? (I can't remember)"
Dad: March 9, 2013 1:51am
"hey, got my teeth removed and new choppers put in, doing ok. xxxooo, pop."
"hey, got my teeth removed and new choppers put in, doing ok. xxxooo, pop."
"Glad you have that part over with & everything went ok. The dentures usually take alot of adjusting to get just right.
It's funny that your choppers message shows up as a totally off-topic response to my previous questions...
I'm not trying to stir the pot in the (insert last name) house, but I feel like this is information I should know. I feel like you are still of the opinion that kid #4 is a mistake you'd like to forget or ignore...but remember kid #1 was a mistake, too."
Dad: March 10, 2013 4:21pm
"next time your up we will talk, ok."
Oh, sweet dysfunction!
What are so many people's issues with clear and direct communication?!
Along that irritating train of thought, things with Mac have been...confusing, to say the least. I sent an email to him on the 13th very openly communicating some of my thoughts/feelings about certain aspects of whatever-this-is and simply asking for some clarity; and have yet to get a response. We've talked since then, but not in environments that were conducive to that particular conversation. My hope is he's waiting to sit down and actually talk to me about it, instead of just stalling/avoiding.
Though, there's so much uncertainty, I'm having a difficult time being optimistic about it.
In an effort to wrap up another of my 'random thoughts' posts on 2 positive notes:
#1. I recently picked up a new volunteer gig! I'm volunteering for a few hours after work, on Thursdays, at a local dance studio.
Get this crazy-ass association: my ex-boyfriend's best friend's ex-wife's mother, who happens to be a FB friend of mine, contacted me and asked me to help out. I'll be working the registration desk & getting to take a few free classes (seriously considering belly-dancing) in exchange.
I'm excited about having something new to do that gets me out of the house, around lots of new faces, and though I can already see the volunteer-vortex that may suck me in; there are lots of avenues that I can see where I'll be a huge asset to them.
That sounds totally conceded, but there seem to be an abundance of flighty individuals with little ability/drive to organize the organization/processes/space. This is what I have to offer and they seem open to it.
#2. I received my non-GMO seeds in the mail today, and have already filled my south-facing windows with containers full of wonderful, black dirt & veggie seeds!
More details to come at a later date. For now, I think I'll join Trixy for a nap on the new white down comforter, while basking in the afternoon sunlight of this 50 degree, spring day; before tomorrow's snow storm hits...
I'm not trying to stir the pot in the (insert last name) house, but I feel like this is information I should know. I feel like you are still of the opinion that kid #4 is a mistake you'd like to forget or ignore...but remember kid #1 was a mistake, too."
Dad: March 10, 2013 4:21pm
"next time your up we will talk, ok."
Oh, sweet dysfunction!
What are so many people's issues with clear and direct communication?!
Along that irritating train of thought, things with Mac have been...confusing, to say the least. I sent an email to him on the 13th very openly communicating some of my thoughts/feelings about certain aspects of whatever-this-is and simply asking for some clarity; and have yet to get a response. We've talked since then, but not in environments that were conducive to that particular conversation. My hope is he's waiting to sit down and actually talk to me about it, instead of just stalling/avoiding.
Though, there's so much uncertainty, I'm having a difficult time being optimistic about it.
In an effort to wrap up another of my 'random thoughts' posts on 2 positive notes:
#1. I recently picked up a new volunteer gig! I'm volunteering for a few hours after work, on Thursdays, at a local dance studio.
Get this crazy-ass association: my ex-boyfriend's best friend's ex-wife's mother, who happens to be a FB friend of mine, contacted me and asked me to help out. I'll be working the registration desk & getting to take a few free classes (seriously considering belly-dancing) in exchange.
I'm excited about having something new to do that gets me out of the house, around lots of new faces, and though I can already see the volunteer-vortex that may suck me in; there are lots of avenues that I can see where I'll be a huge asset to them.
That sounds totally conceded, but there seem to be an abundance of flighty individuals with little ability/drive to organize the organization/processes/space. This is what I have to offer and they seem open to it.
#2. I received my non-GMO seeds in the mail today, and have already filled my south-facing windows with containers full of wonderful, black dirt & veggie seeds!
More details to come at a later date. For now, I think I'll join Trixy for a nap on the new white down comforter, while basking in the afternoon sunlight of this 50 degree, spring day; before tomorrow's snow storm hits...
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